a different kind of fight.

I have no problem standing up for people- it's one thing that has always seemed to come naturally to me. Last year, when a Haitian "friend" who came into our camp kept making girls feel uncomfortable by what he said and the way he looked at them, I lit into him and marched him right out outside the gate. No one messes with my high school girls. This year, when men who were getting paid to throw our luggage off the boat to the land were shoving team members out of the way, causing them to almost fall into the ocean, I let them have it. When the boat that Jesus himself probably sailed on is rocking in the waves and everyone is trying to keep their balance, why would you shove people out of the way? Everyone stared, and I didn't care. I still don't. No one is throwing my sister into the ocean. That would not end well for any of us. And they stopped. In those times, I was yelling, fighting for someone. But here I am at an orphanage, and I'm fighting here too. 

But this fight is different. It's a very different kind of fight. It's a lot more soft spoken. It's a gentle hug and a smile in the morning. It's holding a hand in the afternoon as we walk around the house to look at Joe the goat. It's "that's the most beautiful flower I've ever seen you draw!" and meaning every word. It's "you are safe, and it is okay to talk to me." It's singing a child to sleep because that's the first time they haven't been around other yelling children in a long, long time. It's sitting in silence, holding tight to a 2 year old, because he likes the sound of your breathing. Here it's not a loud fight, it's one of the most quiet fights I've ever fought. Someone has to tell them that they matter. Someone has to make them feel special. A lot of the kids at the orphanage I work at have already been matched with families. But in the years that it takes them to get to their forever homes, what is happening to them? They are learning English from great teachers, and being held, and being cared for, and making friends. But when you walk into a room of 15 toddlers and 2 nannies, it doesn't matter how much each nanny loves each child. And believe me, they love them well. They just don't have 15 arms. These children need to know that they are special, just like every child is special. And also that they are normal children. We want them to feel like they have normal childhoods. And so, one at a time, one minute at a time, we fight. We fight for them to have joy. We fight for them to have the best life they possibly can. We fight for them to meet their full potential. Sometimes that fight looks like changing a diaper. Sometimes that fight looks like taking an aluminum foil wrapper out of a kids mouth so that he doesn't choke right in front of me . Sometimes that fight looks like teaching a child how to color, and watching them create something that is their own. Sometimes that fight looks like a girl calling "yo Daddy" on the phone, because she can, and watching her take sheer delight in using all my precious international minutes. And sometimes that fight looks like celebrating with a cake as a set of twins go home with their forever family. This fight matters so much more than me yelling at some man because he isn't being respectful to my friends. This fight is about these children's future. Each fight is different, and each day of battle looks different too. Thanks to donations, that are always needed, these children receive 3 meals a day and round the clock healthcare. I don't mean that it's up to us to save these children's souls. God is large & in charge. But God has placed us here, and I believe he has me here to fight. To fight with the most love that I could ever have. To fight off the sadness, loss, depression, anger, bitterness and hurt that could easily consume these children and to bring in Light and life, and happiness and peace. To point them to the One who will supply all their needs. The One who alone can bring them true joy and take away their pain. All through Him and for Him. 

This is Daniel, coloring for the first time. 

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."  Matthew 19:14

broken fish? no problem.

Things I miss this week: Pandora, ice cream.

Favorite questions of the week: What is Zaxby's? and Do Southern belles really exist? (both from Texans that I'm currently living with)

It's the beginning of my second week here in Haiti. I feel like I'm a lot more settled than the last time I blogged, just a few days ago. I spent the rest of the week assessing kids based on developmental milestones. The parents who received these reports were so thankful for them, and it motivates me that I am doing something worthwhile. Yesterday we went to church- it was the first time I had seen that many Americans at once in a few weeks, and it was refreshing to worship with them. For those of you who want to send me mail- I'm working on that, but the mail system here is pretty unreliable, so right now I don't have an answer for you. But, if you want to send me something, and believe me, I would love to hear from you! -my email is laurenegilpin@gmail.com or you can always Facebook message me. I have been so encouraged by those of you who are already keeping me updated on your lives, and knowing that y'all are praying for me and with me is great. 

The internet has been down for the past few days, so my free time has consisted of a lot of reading and thinking. I thought back to my recent trip to La Source. Oh, what a great trip it was. The last night as a team we stayed at Wahoo Bay, a beautiful resort outside of Port-au-Prince. There, vendors come to sell their creations. There are coral crosses, coffee bean necklaces, wooden carvings of elephants, turtles, trays, fish, and so much more. They have coconut necklaces, earrings, bracelets and belts, paintings, and tons of other stuff made by hand. Since I know a lot of these men and am familiar with the way they operate, my parents shopped for a while and then called me over so I could bargain with a vendor for them. I wanted to add a fish key chain to their collection of presents and trinkets. This key chain was very simple- a carved wooden fish and hand painted bright colors, with a keychain coming out of the fish's mouth. The fish I picked out was bright yellow with a beautiful design. It was the only one of its kind, but when I picked it up I realized that half of the tail fin was broken off. Now, knowing me, the tail fin would be broken within the first few months of use anyway, but that's not the point. So I named my price for the loot, and he said, "oh no, that is not nearly enough. See, this costs me blah blah blah and then this is blah blah blah.." and so on for all of it. When he got to the keychain, he says, "and this is $7." I said, "but look, it's broken." He replied, "no problem, $7." So I held up a brown fish keychain and said, "see, this one is normal, but the yellow one is broken." He looked at the brown fish, took the key chain part off of it and put it on the yellow fish. Then he held it up to me smiling and said, "no problem." I said, "No problem?? But it's still broken." He smiled and said, "no problem." So i held up the fish, pointed to the broken piece and said, "HOW is this not a problem?" I want to buy the fish, I just don't want to pay full price for it. It's not worth $7." He pointed to the key chain part of the fish, smiled and said, "no problem." Eventually, I got the keychain for about $3, but that's not the point. The point is that WE are broken fish. When someone points out sin in our lives, often we look at the outward appearance, and say, "oh I can fix that, no problem." So we beat an addiction. We join a Bible study. We do good things. But doing these things doesn't change the heart problem any more than putting a new keychain on that fish makes it grow a tail fin. Throwing on a skirt & Chacos and moving to a 3rd world country doesn't make me or my Christian walk any better than a wealthy CEO of the best company in New York. If my heart is sinful and I'm not allowing God to fix it, it's not "no problem." It's a HUGE problem. How often do we want to go on mission trips or help someone else because we want to feel good about ourselves, or become better people? So we throw on a new shirt, give our old one to a charity, and say, "no problem, I've got this." So often we miss out on the main issue- the issue of the heart. Yes, God has changed my heart to follow him. But this is a continual process- it's not just a one & done, "thanks Man, I've got it from here" change. It's a gradual, day by day, step by step process of sanctification- becoming more like Christ. We do this by recognizing our sin and not saying, "no problem," but saying, "thank you Lord that you have already forgiven me for this, and please keep making my heart more like Yours." Jesus didn't settle for half price for our broken selves- he paid the full $7. He saw us broken fish and said, "they're worth it." And if we truly, truly believe that, then as we change our key chains, our clothes, our lines of work, our attitudes, whatever it may be, we do it not because we are trying to cover up sin, but in response to God's grace and our repentance. Because Jesus, he's already paid for it, no problem. 

Peace & Blessings, y'all, from PaP

a mouse in the house

I have been at the O for 3 full days now. I have held babies, sat in on the kids devotions, helped (somewhat) in kindergarden, talked through some of the kids struggles with Angie & Mary Claire, and try to figure out my place here. Part of why this is so hard for me is that I am an intern of Georgia Southern, and no matter what I want to do here or am needed to do, I still have to accomplish my weekly objectives as a Family Services major. You would think that would be easy- I'm working at an orphanage. But apparently making milestone checklists for the children's development and getting to know them well enough to communicate that information to their future adoptive parents is not pleasing my professors in my major. So, I'm learning how to tweak what I do enough to emphasize what GSU wants me to do here- and focus on the importance of this for the adoptive families, while still trying to accomplish something worthwhile at the O. I know, right? Yeah. So that's what's going on logistically.

Emotionally, I don't really know how to adequately describe that either. I haven't called my mom yet, because I know that I will cry. So Mama C, I'll eventually call you, but I'm not ready yet. How am I supposed to feel? I haven't had this HUGE wave of homesickness yet, but I know that it will come. I feel like in my free time I'm on Facebook, craving pictures of our week-trip to La Source this past week. When I'm at the house, we have a lot of fun. Angie's son, Jean Marc, keeps us all entertained. He is adorable. But still everything is new and takes some getting used to. All my meals are cooked for me, and so far my bed has been made every morning, but I don't have the freedom to just drive wherever I want, whenever I want. I can't call up a friend to go out to dinner, or head over to a friend's house just to hang out. It's weird and it's different, but I'm slowly getting used to it. When I'm in the O, sometimes I feel like a mouse. I say this because yesterday, the mouse that has been terrorizing the office decided to show his face. Everyone knew he existed, but it wasn't until we actually saw him that we ran around screaming, like we didn't know what to do with him. Unfortunately, the mouse still lives, but we WILL get him! And so, sometimes I feel like a mouse. When I show my face in the door of the baby room, everyone runs to me. If I pick up a child, the others cry. If I switch babies, the first one cries. And so it goes. If I was a nanny, I would never want me around! I distract the kindergardeners from their lessons, and I don't have the trust of the older girls yet for them to really talk to me. In the office I never really know what to do with myself- part of this is because I've been trying to figure out the child assessments and going back & forth between one-on-one time with a child and writing about it is constant. I'm new, so some of the staff, although very nice and polite, doesn't quite know what to do with me. So I feel like a mouse causing chaos. I say all of that to say, I know that God has placed me here. I felt strongly about that since I made the decision to come here. And I also know that everything I think and feel right now will eventually pass. But right now, I feel like a mouse. And I guess that's not a bad thing, because eventually it will get easier. As God reveals just what it is I am to be doing, I will feel more at peace and be more confident in what I am doing. That is my prayer for right now, and if you are praying for me, please let it be yours too. Peace & Blessings, from PaP.

Here's a video of our attempt to catch Mr. Mouse:

a glass case of emotion

This past week has been a complete whirlwind. My last blog update was about some of the difficulties that our team faced trying to get to La Source. Well, a change in numbers, an overnight in Miami, a flight and a 4 hour boat ride later, we were there. We set up camp in the dark. Trying to figure out stringing lights all around camp from a generator, setting up tents, chairs, and showers and unloading luggage in the dark was crazy. But the group never complained. In fact, we worked together very well. Thinking about the week before we left, I knew that this was going to be a great group. I just had no idea how awesome everyone would be until we were actually all together on the island.

Thursday and Friday, we did morning VBS. Lanette taught the kids some songs in sign language that they loved- you could tell because they continued to run around holding their thumb as the "light" from "This Little Light of Mine." One day we had guy time and girl time. The boys went outside to play soccer and do boy things while the girls sat down and made bracelets and painted nails. It wasn't too long before the boys wanted bracelets and nails painted too! The kids craved this one-on-one time, and it was a great opportunity to love on them like Jesus. In the afternoons, the guys built school benches while the girls bagged rice & beans for some of the families. One afternoon, we started to go on a "house visit," but were interrupted by the Governor of the entire island, La Gonave, who was handing out food to each village. We were able to talk with him for a while and actually got to pray for him, his country, and his time in office. That was one of the highlights of the week for me. We joked about meeting the "gov-na," but to actually have prayed with a man in office whose decisions directly affect this village was incredible. While we were doing VBS, Connie & Michelle were busy knitting with the women, a ministry they started a little while ago. The women knit beautiful dishcloths, we buy from them, and then sell them in the States. This is a huge opportunity to minister to the women, because they are making something with their own hands that will provide for their families. Connie and Michelle were able to pray with each woman that they bought from. These women are learning that they are just as important as their children that we are so quick to love on.

On Saturday, we hosted a Christmas party for the 2 schools. The kids performed songs, as well as their sign language songs, and I spoke briefly on James 1:17 "every good gift and every perfect gift is from above and comes from the Father, with whom there is no change." I emphasized that gifts that we give and receive ultimately come from God, and that is who we should look to for our needs. We don't deserve any gifts we are given. The team doesn't deserve to be served and loved the way we are when we are there, and the villagers don't deserve to be sponsored for school. All of these are gifts because of the love of Jesus. We then fed them lunch and handed out backpacks, rice and beans. When we weren't doing "planned" events, the team was loving on the people. Haitians "helped" the guys build the school benches. And let me have a huge shout-out to Johan, Drew Channell, Drew Jones and Jordy- these guys built benches before breakfast, in the afternoon, and at night by flashlight. It was so great to watch them work and enjoy (in some sense) what they were doing- don't worry, we only had 4 hammers, or the girls would have helped too. Also going on during this whole time was a men's teaching, where my dad taught about 20-30 men more about the Gospel, the Bible, marriage, being a godly father, and answered a TON of questions. It was so cool to listen in when he brought my mom up and asked her what she thought a godly husband looked like. They just kind of stared at her for a while. There were so many things going on throughout the week- way too many to blog about, but just know that God was at work. We sent a pregnant mom in a lot of pain to the hospital in time for her to deliver healthy twin boys. We sang worship songs that Haitians started to sing in Creole, and it was beautiful.

One night I did the devotion on Philippians 1- reminding everyone that not all of our work was Christian-to-non-Christian, but that a lot of it was "thanking God for our partnership in the Gospel" with fellow Christians and encouraging them in their walk. Then we sang "The Love of God," and Kailene, a school teacher who was in camp with us started to sing it in Creole. It was the most beautiful picture of what the body of Christ looks like that I have seen in a really long time. The entire week was so uplifting and encouraging, amid the heartbreaking stories and realities of poverty, disease, and sin. We spent an entire day at a resort, Wahoo Bay, where Jordy proposed to Lanette while we ALL watched from the balcony!! I have been so blessed in my friendship with Jordy, and meeting Lanette through him has been so great. I'm so thankful that we all got to spend the week together and get to know each other better- I'm so excited for them and their future marriage. The team was almost as excited as they were :) The next morning, the group took me to the orphanage in Port au Prince where I will be working until May. That is where I am right now. As much of a blessing as the week in La Source was, it has left me very tired. When you are on a week-trip, you pour your all into everything you do. Now that I'm staying to do something else for a while, I'm having to slowly recover from that even as I am kind of in a culture shock. Village Haiti and city Haiti are 2 different places. Yesterday I tried to get oriented with my co-workers, housemates, orphanage kids, nannies, rules, dos, don'ts, internship requirements, a weird Haitian phone, and not flushing toilet paper, all in one day. To say I'm slightly overwhelmed is an understatement, but I'm so glad that I'm here. I want to blog more about the O soon and what this week has been like, but this is all my brain can handle for right now.

Peace & Blessings, yall.

getting there.

So far, we've made it to Miami. For those of you who don't know, this has been the most eventful, unexpected circumstances- filled trip to Haiti thus far. You name it, it happened. But, I know that God wants this exact team in the village of La Source to minister this week. Everyone is so excited, and even with extreme sleep-deprivation, I can say that I am fully confident in this trip and in what the Lord will do through it. He knows why certain things have happened, and has definitely used this experience to grow our faith. This team firmly believes that we have been called to go. And so, we are going. Well, we are in the process of going. Our flight leaves at 7am tomorrow for Port-au-Prince. From there we will take a boat ride to the island and set up our camp for the rest of the week. This will be the longest day for us, but it will also be an awesome adventure. Reflecting on the past few days, I can say with certainty: people will disappoint you. There will be circumstances beyond your control. Your expectations may come crashing down right in front of you, or at least significantly altered. Either way, I have come to realize how much I depend on man to make things happen. If I depend on man for my circumstances, I will be disappointed, and I will feel out of control. But to be honest, it's not us that are large and in charge anyway. I cannot trust in myself or another human for things to go the way I plan any more than I can trust in myself for the salvation that comes from Christ. It just doesn't work. And so, I hold tightly to this quote from an awesome book I'm reading right now, Broken Down House by Paul Tripp. He says,
"real rest is not found in understanding, real rest is found in trust."
And so, I trust the One who sets all things in motion. Today has been great- although unexpected, our team got to spend the day bonding over airport adventures, group naps, prayer and UNO games. We got to know each other better, (or for the first time) which helps to prepare us for ministry together. I am so thankful for this sweet time, even before we reach Haiti. So us, we're getting there. We're still headed to La Source, and couldn't be more excited. We're still getting to know each other and preparing our hearts for this ministry. But the "getting there" is sometimes just as fruitful as the "being there." And me, I'm getting there too. Getting to a place where I can say and fully believe, God's got this, I don't. And it's a good thing I'm not in charge, because we'd probably have given up by now and settled for some fish tacos on the US soil. Sometimes getting there is the hardest battle, but often it's where God works the most.

14 days

Yall, in 14 days I will be on a plane to Haiti. 14 days of sleeping, packing, friends, family, Christmas, stressin, crying, laughing, and anticipation. The past month or so, I have been thinking through everything that has led me to this place in my life. The people, places and events that have led me here. So, yes, most of my previous posts have been reminiscent and reflective. This one is no different. Last week I finished finals, packed up my room in the Boro, and headed home, exhausted. Expecting a nap or at least time to breathe, I was quickly greeted by my even more exhausted mom. She and the rest of the fam had been really sick all week, my aunt was in town from Arizona, and Betty was around a lot. So, I dropped my expectations, took Betsy & Betty out to eat & had a great time. This past weekend was a lot of (what felt like) my family resting and me being responsible. Now, before you think I'm sitting here complaining, let me tell you, I did have a lot of fun with them, cracking up with Aunt Betsy when Betty lost her room key, thought I was Emily, and asked me & our waiter 13 times in 3 minutes if her waffle came with syrup. But I was so tired, and all I could think about was, "How does my mom do this every week? How does she get off work and deal with a mother-in-law with dementia all the time?"  No, Betty doesn't live with us, but every day is certainly a new adventure as we interact with her. Countless women in our church have stepped up to help us care for her, & I know she couldn't do it without Emily too, but the day in & day out of phone calls, reassurance, encouraging words, and knowing when to put your foot down- that's Mama C. When she's super b.a., I call her C Money. And she still finds time to be a mom. She listens to me ramble on about my life & calms me down when I've lost it. If you knew me when I was little, first of all, I apologize, and secondly, I know you know what hell my mom went through. My aunt says, "I knew if they could survive raising you, you were going to grow up to be strong and confident. But first you all had to survive your childhood." And what a great one it was. So Mama, here's to you. For her 50th birthday a few years ago, we gave her a scrapbook. I wrote this for her. I hope your moms are as great as mine is:

You taught me how to water ski & how to tie my shoes, 

You laughed at every corny joke, & kissed my every bruise.

You read me every story, & tucked me into bed so tight,

And then you rubbed my back until I fell asleep at night.

You carefully sewed back every torn & tattered dress-

Because you knew that I had fun, you would allow no less.

You became the best launderer around-

Let’s be honest, that Alabama mud knew no bound.

I watched you as you cooked & cleaned-always such great hostess,

And I always knew you loved Daddy the mostest-

Because you took care of him through every migraine-

Even when he wouldn’t admit the pain.

You helped me learn my Bible verses, so I could go to camp

And you listened to every story as you washed my clothes so damp. 

And then when I was thirteen, and there were no tears left to flow,

You held onto me tight, and I knew you’d never let me go.

And through all that heartache, I watched you trust the One,

The One our lives revolve around- God’s one and only Son.

When Emily got sick, I watched you trust Him more-

You didn’t know the future, but your praying knees sure hit the floor.

Every day I left for school, you reminded me

To just Whom I belonged, and of His plan I couldn’t see.

I heard your voice at every race

Reminding me to keep my pace.
Showing up to watch me play basketball in your scrubs,

You always looked so cute in them, btdubs.

Every ballet recital, musical, homecoming & prom

You helped me bring out my girly side- for that, you are the bomb.

Amid every fear and uncertainty,

You bravely went to Haiti with me.

The love of Christ you never cease to show

No matter where you go.

Your beauty is inside & out

Because of you, I have no doubt

That with a hug & lots of prayer

Wherever He leads me, I’ll make it there.

Now that I’m in college, I call you as a friend

But you will always be my Mama, til the very end.

                 

"her children arise and call her blessed" Proverbs 31:28

I'm not crying, it's just raining on my face...

This is a shout out to Statesboro. Statesboro, I love you. I love Saturdays at Paulson, cheering on the Eagles. I love lunch at the Daily Grind, and rummaging through the ReStore & quality items at Goodwill. I LOVE going to the fair and watching all the camo walk around. I love getting fish tacos every Friday at Barbs, and almost cried when I found out that special wasn't everywhere else. I love my little corner in the 3rd floor of Hendy right beside the arc where I spent my sophomore year, studying and simultaneously losing my scholarship. I love palfys from the IT Building, where I spent my junior year earning that scholarship back. I love that RJ's serves Snooky's breakfast, and that Statesboro natives say they're "goin into town" whenever they go anywhere. I love driving past sunflower fields in the summer & freaking out about the cotton fields in the fall. I love that plaid and boots have been & always will be the norm around here. And if you've never seen a Statesboro sunset, you haven't lived.
But what I'm going to miss the most next semester isn't Statesboro itself, but the people that have been there for me the past 3 & 1/2 years. I've had my best moments and my worst moments here. And I'm different now than I was 3 & 1/2 years ago. Things happen, you grow up. But to have people that are there with you every step of the way, that's a blessing I can't even begin to describe. God has brought certain people into my life to love me, to challenge me, to teach me, and to be there for me, from friends, to roommates, to classmates. A huge part of my college life has been with the 105. You don't really know your friends until you throw 7 girls in a run-down house. 2 years later, I'm proud to announce that we're still alive. So, to the ladies of the 105, I'd like to say thanks. For putting up with me, listening, yelling back, & for all the laughs. God knew what we needed, & I'm glad he brought us together. To my G-baby, my A-mish, & my J-Tips, thanks for keeping me sane & loving me so well. I love all of yall, & am so excited to see what is in store for each of us in the next year. There are so many more people that I could say, "thanks for being there" to, but then this would turn into Facebook and no one wants that...I can't wait to hear about the what's new in RUF & at Southern. And with that, peace & blessings & yeah mawma. You stay classy, Statesboro.



The Smokin Seven:

The Sassy Six: 

A-mish:  we survived both Anatomys!

J-Tips:   my favorite Halloween- Blanche & J Biebs!

G-Baby came to help us pack up Betty's house in Nashville:

"a faithful friend is a sure shelter, whoever has found one has found a rare treasure."